Recently, I attended Bill Eddy's session on "Managing High Conflict Personalities," which I found extremely relevant not only for my clients, but also for myself. I've discussed a few contentious situations I've had with my ex in previous blog posts, and I wanted to share my key takeaways from Bill's session.
Bill Eddy, a seasoned lawyer, therapist, and mediator, provided invaluable insights into handling contentious communication, especially with an ex-spouse when co-parenting is involved. His BIFF method-Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm-stood out as a particularly effective strategy for managing high-stress interactions. I wanted to share some of Eddy's key advice, including insights from his articles on BIFF responses and making proposals, and reflect on my own experiences using these techniques in co-parenting situations.
What is the BIFF Method?
Eddy's BIFF method is designed to defuse hostile communications and maintain a functional and respectful dialogue. Here's a breakdown of each component:
- Brief: Keep responses short and to the point. Long replies provide more material for the other person to argue about. When communicating with a high-conflict ex, brevity prevents the conversation from escalating.
- Informative: Focus on facts rather than emotions. Providing clear and accurate information helps correct misunderstandings without inviting further conflict.
- Friendly: Respond in a calm and polite manner. This can help de-escalate the situation, as a friendly tone is less likely to provoke a defensive reaction.
- Firm: Clearly state your position without inviting further debate. This helps to set boundaries and reduces the likelihood of an ongoing back-and-forth.
Applying BIFF in Co-Parenting Communication
During these past 6 years co-parenting three children, I have faced many challenging situations requiring that I communicate with my ex. Reflecting on Eddy's BIFF method, I realized how transformative these principles could be. Here are some examples from my experience:
Brief : Early in our co-parenting relationship, I often wrote lengthy emails trying to explain my perspective. This usually resulted in long, drawn-out arguments. Adopting a brief approach, I started limiting my responses to a few sentences. This reduced the potential for conflict and made our communication more manageable. It shut down the argument, and allowed me to minimize the mental and emotional energy I spent conversing with my ex.
Informative : One recurring issue was our different interpretations of past decisions we'd made regarding the kids, which often led to heated discussions. I learned to focus on providing clear, factual information rather than rehashing past disagreements. For instance, if my ex questioned a decision regarding our child's schedule, I would respond with specific details about the agreed-upon plan, avoiding any personal commentary. He usually responded with a nasty reply, but I would not respond further.
Friendly : Maintaining a friendly tone, especially when I was feeling frustrated, was challenging but crucial. I found that starting my emails with a polite greeting and acknowledging my ex's concerns helped set a positive tone. For example, "Hi [Ex's Name], I understand your concerns about the schedule. Here's what we can do..." This approach often led to more constructive exchanges.
Firm : Setting boundaries was essential. When discussions started to veer off into unproductive territory, I learned to firmly but politely end the conversation. For example, "I've provided the necessary information about the schedule. Let's focus on this for now." This helped keep our interactions focused and prevented unnecessary conflict. I would not acknowledge emails containing personal attacks.
Proposals Over Problems
Another key piece of advice from Eddy was to shift conversations from past problems to future proposals. This approach is about focusing on solutions rather than dwelling on issues. Here's how I applied this principle:
In the past, our conversations often got stuck on past grievances, which only fueled resentment. Inspired by Eddy, I began steering our discussions towards proposals for future actions. For instance, rather than arguing about unmet obligations, I suggested an alternative solution. My son has been invited to go to Spain for a soccer intensive training program, and my ex had originally said he'd accompany our son to Spain. One month before the departure date, my ex informed me he was no longer going to travel to Spain. I'm not comfortable with my son traveling unaccompanied internationally, and I let my ex know. I suggested having our college-aged kids travel to Spain with our son instead, and magically, my ex is again planning to go to Spain. I guess the thought of paying for an international vacation for our college-aged kids instead of for himself didn't make much sense to him. Mission accomplished.
Integrating this type of co-parenting communication can be a game-changer. It can help maintain your sanity and foster a more positive co-parenting relationship. I encourage anyone dealing with a high-conflict ex to try these strategies. For an example of my personal experiences, you can check out a previous story of how I communicated with my ex-husband when he refused to pay for our child's medical bill in this post.
Managing high-conflict personalities is challenging, but with the right tools and mindset, it is possible to navigate these interactions more effectively. Eddy's BIFF method provides a practical framework that can help anyone improve their communication and reduce conflict, ultimately creating a more stable environment for co-parenting.
This material contains the current opinions of Bill Eddy but not necessarily those of Guardian or its subsidiaries and such opinions are subject to change without notice. Guardian and its subsidiaries do not endorse or have any direct or indirect responsibility with respect to this activity.
